I was talking with one of my clients recently who’s been going through A LOT of life changes this year. Over the past couple months his family (his wife who’s 7 months pregnant, my client, & two teenage step-daughters) have bought a new home and moved. His business bought a new office which they renovated and moved into, and in about three weeks from now his first child is due.
After talking about all the bumps and adventures he’s been experiencing recently and what he still wants to happen “before baby,” he brought up a project that’s been gnawing at him. In January, he set his goals for the year which included launching the blog for his business, and here we are at the end of August and it still hasn’t happened. He’s recognizing that it probably won’t be happening in the next two months with the imminent arrival of his child.
It’s at times like these when stressing out over “unfulfilled” goals makes no sense. As I reminded him when we talked, at the beginning of the year you didn’t know that you were going to be having a baby this year. You didn’t know that you were going to be buying a new house and moving, and you were only beginning to think about buying a new office building. There have been a LOT of opportunities and path-changes that have arisen naturally during this year, and you’ve traveled them very intentionally and effectively. Give yourself a break!
Sometimes things that were priorities in January are not the same level of importance in September. That doesn’t mean you’re uncommitted or slacking. That just means you have the ability to grab new opportunities that arise and shift your plans as needed. Sometimes we get in trouble when we start making up disempowering stories about how “it’s September and we haven’t launched the blog.” So, I want to offer a few insights to help you adjust to the rolling seas of life transitions with even more grace. Here are a few life lessons about navigating major life transitions with greater ease…
The Life Lessons
Create the Shape, But Hold It Loosely
This phrase is my FAVORITE and I apply it to any plan I make with myself or my clients. It‘s good to have a sense of direction and purpose, to hold ourselves responsible for achieving what we want in life. However, we can’t always see the shifts that are coming, and sometimes those shifts impact our priorities completely legitimately. That’s when we need to intentionally renegotiate with ourselves. In other words… let yourself off the hook! Just because you’re postponing a project doesn’t mean that you’re eliminating it entirely. Choose a point in the future at which you can revisit it, maybe 2 months, 6 months, or a year from now, and then you can choose if it’s time to pick it up again. I’ve written in the past about how due dates can kill you, and this is a perfect example of when you will be dramatically happier if you keep the commitment to achieving the project, but let go of the deadline.
Under Rather Than Over Plan
During major life transitions it’s likely that there are going to be many more activities, tasks, and projects that arise unexpectedly in any given day. Which means that if you start each day with a HUGE plan of everything you’re want to get done, you’re very likely to end the day disappointed and frustrated. This is a time when good task management is critical. Capture all the tasks that need doing, but focus on your One Thing, your Inspired Action for each day. Beyond that, choose your Three Bonuses too so you can keep rolling forward with the next most important tasks, but remind yourself that they are bonuses. Often during major transitions there’s a greater likelihood that you will be interrupted by the call from the mortgage broker who needs a copy of your divorce decree asap, and you’ll get completely derailed from your original plan.
Increase Your Daily “Spaciousness”
Some life transitions happen in a flurry of action, and others seem to feel like we’re going in slow motion with just a lot of emotional changes flowing around. I remember it feeling that way as I finished college and was waiting to hear from grad schools… the “abyss” I called it on the other side of graduation. I know that can also be true when grieving the loss of a loved one or the end of a marriage. At times like these, make a point of decreasing the pressure by “under-planning” as above, but also filling in more space with activities that bring you peace or joy. Maybe more long walks are in order, or more time with loved ones and friends, or perhaps it’s time to resurrect that old hobby that you’ve gotten away from. Nourish your heart during transitions to improve your emotional energy management.
Watch for the Horizon
If you’re in a transition right now, then pause for a moment and ask yourself: What will be true when I’m beyond this transition and have settled into my next life chapter? This question will provide your “success criteria.” For instance, in my client’s case it might be:
- We will have completely unpacked in our new home.
- We will have all the furniture and systems setup in our new office.
- We will have figured out and established the routines of caring for our new baby.
- I will be able to spend at least 5 hours a day focused on work.
Knowing these criteria will allow you to more intentionally navigate towards them and prioritize the activities that bring them closer to achievement. Make sure that your success criteria are goals/outcomes not states. In other words, “I will feel happy” is a state, which actually isn’t a matter of time passing but rather evoking a state of happiness. Goals take time to accomplish; states can happen in a moment by evoking a memory of the last time you felt that way and stepping into it as if it were happening right now. Watch the periscope I recorded on this topic for more about goals vs. states.
Be, Do, then Learn
This lesson is new to me, but is rapidly becoming a daily practice. Start each day by evoking the state or emotional space that you want to have carry you through the day. What do I want to feel to help me navigate today? Confidence? Peace? Joy? Focus? Presence? Get clear and drop into that feeling of how you want to “BE” today. Then, start your activities of DOING. Move through your tasks and actions, and if necessary reconnect with the “Be” space you chose throughout the day. Finally, at the end of the day take a few moments to reflect and LEARN. Close your eyes, ground your energy, and then float up above yourself and your timeline and look down. Ask yourself, what’s the positive gift or lesson that if incorporated from today will allow me to be even more ________ tomorrow? Successful, peaceful, calm, happy, focused. Allow that learning to integrate into your being at every level. Then, tomorrow… wash, rinse, and repeat.
What’s great about this practice is that it starts with establishing the energy you want to “come from” during your actions/activities of the day. You can even ask that first question and drop into the desired space while you’re taking your morning shower in just an extra couple minutes. Then, you hold that intention as you move through your actions, and finally give yourself a few moments to reflect and learn so that you can make tomorrow even better! Be, Do, Learn… it’s a magic combination.
Next Actions
Life transitions happen to all of us. Some of them are just normal developmental changes like graduations, getting married, having kids, retirement, etc. Others are less expected like getting fired/changing jobs, natural disasters like that tree falling on your house, or that health scare or illness. However, remember this… part of the reason we call them transitions is because they come in between two chapters in our lives, which means… this too shall pass.
Are you going through a life transition right now or experienced one in the past? What was your best lesson learned to help you get through it? I’d love to have you share it in the comments below.
Know someone going through a transition? Then make sure to share this via social media and help them to navigate with greater ease.
Image: hdwallpaperscat
